Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
