Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
