He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
