ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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