omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
