i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
