If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
