Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I love you. Go after that dick
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
