genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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