if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i came on her dog
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
