just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
