my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My bed smells like the plague
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
