So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
