we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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