News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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