If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
