i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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