I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
