we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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