bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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