3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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