can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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