"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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