I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You need Xanax blowdarts
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
