yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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