I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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