Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
