Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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