I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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