I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
