I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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