Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
