so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
