My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
