Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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