i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
