I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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