twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
