I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
