So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
