My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
