I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
