How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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