I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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