Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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