He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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