Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
