you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So here I am, sexting at work.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
