Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
