No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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