I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She bit a glass in half.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
