saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
