chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
