she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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