My balls are so social today.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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