Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
