Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
