you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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