I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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