Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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