i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
