If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
