ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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